After 30-plus years of practicing law as a Houston divorce attorney, being divorced raising a child, and economically enjoying the fruits of some people’s two or three divorces (we attorneys love repeat divorces), I offer the following observations and bits of advice about dating after divorce:
- Please note the title “Dating After Divorce.” After means after divorce and not before divorce. Remember: in most states, you are not divorced until the divorce decree is signed by the judge. In most states, the fact that you are separated is of no legal significance. As an attorney over the years I have shaken up many cases where my client is the one guilty of adultery – I let the case slide sideways for, say, six months – let the other party start dating – hot and heavy – then hit all my client’s spouse’s boyfriends or girlfriends with subpoenas for depositions to quiz them about the adultery with my client’s spouse.
- If you have children, minimize dating. It is important for children, especially after divorce, to feel like they are the most important thing in your life. It is hard to get that message across to children when you are dealing with new dates.
- If you have children, follow Grubb’s three-month rule – do not even consider introducing a new date/lover to your children until you have been dating the person for at least 3 months. And what you will discover about 75 percenet of the time at 2 months and 3 weeks is that the person you are dating is not worthy of meeting your children. If you have children, no overnights. Most courts will issue an injunction against overnight lovers. Remember you are trying to teach your children about the benefits of long-term commitment, attachment, etc., and it is hard for them to get the message if you are always bringing around new lovers. Furthermore, if you are raising daughters, it is kind of hard to convince them that they need to keep their underwear on when you are not keeping yours on – in their house.
- Before you start dating find out what you did to sink your marriage – not what your spouse did to you, but rather what were your weaknesses in the marriage. Also, after you get divorced take some time and figure out what mistakes you made in selecting a mate. If you do not do these two things, I can almost guarantee you that you will end up committing the same mistake twice.
- Do not tell your new date/lover all the things that were wrong with your spouse.
- Remember there is a difference between a bed pal and a lover. If you have a bed pal who starts getting serious, get up, put your clothes back on, go home and enjoy the time by yourself.
- Enjoy the moment with your date. Do not spend your time trying to size up your new date as a lifetime partner. First off, they will sense it and most of the time it will scare them, because you simply come across as desperate. Try to find something good in everyone you date and accept him or her for who he or she is – not what you so desperately want.
- Remember people do not change over time – as a matter of fact, their bad traits usually get worse with time. If someone has bad traits write them off or do not allow yourself to get too close to them.
- Do not cover up your own faults. We all have them. Those that do not recognized their own faults or try to cover them up are destined to disappoint others.
- Remember most people marry a dream- they do not marry reality. Keep yourself grounded in reality and make certain the other person is also grounded in reality.
Follow these tidbits, and hopefully I will never see you for another divorce. Disregard them and all I have to say is: I do love repeat business.
John K. Grubb – Houston divorce lawyer
